I got this in the mail and naturally my first thought was, “Finally, someone has reached out to me about cremation. What great timing with the world literally going up in flames to think about burning my dead body so that nothing remains of my remains but ashes. Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch?!?”
Then I thought, “Well it is fire season (which I believe is now July through June) and perhaps it is time I thought about my own little flesh and bones wildfire. I don’t like to brag but I think I would have a smoking hot body.”
Then I looked closer (not that much closer, it is fairly large font) and saw that the cremation lunch was to be at that culinary hot spot, Round Table Pizza.
No doubt you have heard that Healdsburg is home to two Michelin starred restaurants, the renowned Single Thread where for a mere $800 you can have a nice little dinner for two, and the somewhat more accessible Barndiva, where one can enjoy an artisan cocktail for roughly the price of a bottle of 15 year-old single malt scotch.
It may come as a shock, but I do not believe Round Table is in that same rarefied air. However, they have scored a coveted three-asterisk rating from Goodyear; not quite as famous as Michelin but hey, restaurant rating tire companies are all the same, right? I mean if you can’t trust the tire shop for a restaurant recommendation, who can you trust?
I pictured myself sitting in Round Table Pizza’s “private” dining room, scarfing down some za (that’s what the cool kids say) while hearing about all about the “benefits of planning my cremation.” Then I got suspicious – perhaps the Neptune Society (really, shouldn’t they be focused on burials at sea?) and Round Table had a little side deal going. Mr. Table says something like, “Hey Neptuney, you get folks into Round Table and to show our thanks, we ‘d be happy to toast them in our pizza ovens. And throw in some parmesan and red peppers to boot.”
Really, what on earth were these people thinking? Let’s invite people to eat while we discuss burning them into little piles of ashes. And better yet, let’s do it at a pizza parlor! Somebody got a raise for that idea, you can be sure.
On the flip side of the card there was a callout for something called a “Travel and Relocation Protection Plan.” What in the name of body cinders does that even mean? Once you are cozily residing in an urn, are you at risk of being relocated without your permission? And if so, how do they protect you from that? Really, do I want to have to worry about moving again once I’m dead? I thought one of the benefits of death was that I would never again have to wait for the cable guy to show up in that 8am to 10pm window.
You’ll also note the lovely stock image of a man and woman walking a bike. Because that’s what older men and women do. They are too fragile to actually mount and ride a bike, so they just walk them. Hey, old couple, be careful, do not walk that bike into the light!
Speaking of mounting, another recent ad made me laugh out loud. And not in a good way. It was on Hulu (yes, I have not sprung for the ad-free version) and it from hims (not a typo; they cleverly use all lower case letters), and it’s about finding the right erectile dysfunction drug for you. That’s for YOU, buddy, definitely not for ME, let’s just get that straight! I was watching the ad for a friend. Anyway they show a nice photo of a “doctor” who appears to be texting you:
Doctor: Hey Bob, let’s find the right ED drug for you!
Bob: Gee whiz, Doc, that sounds like fun!
The obnoxiously soothing voice over reassures you that your shipments of erection candy will arrive in discreet packaging WHICH THEY SHOW YOU RIGHT THERE ON TV! How discreet is that?
Neighbor: Hey Bob, what’s in the discreet packaging?
Bob: None of your business Dick!
Dick: I watch Hulu too, you know. So what, are you hardly working or working to get hard? Hahahahahaha!
Bob: Don’t be such a dick, Dick!
Even better is the hims ED drug finder tagline which is, and I kid you not:
“Get hard or get your money back.”
I hope they didn’t waste money on a focus group testing that one. Seems pretty on the nose. So to speak.
Can you imagine the call to get your money back?
Bob: I didn’t get hard.
hims Customer “Service” Rep: Bummer. We’ll send your money back.
Bob: Thanks.
hims Rep: Just look for a discreet package coming soon, which is obviously more than we can say for you! Hahahahahahaha!
Bob: I wish I would have just gone to that damn cremation pizza lunch.
That’s it for me this week, I have to go contemplate life, pizza, death and erections.
Not necessarily in that order.